John Bishop: 10 funniest jokes from Liverpool comedian and Doctor Who actor - ahead of ITV show and UK tour

Liverpudlian comedian John Bishop is to return to our screens with his own show, as he revives his comedy-chat show for ITV.

Suitably titled The John Bishop Show, the series will see him perform stand up and interview a variety of guests.

Chatting to the Daily Star, he admitted he will be scaling back his jokes for the small screen, as the audience treat his humour differently when it’s not in-person.

He might be toning down his quirky one-liners for his new audience, but there are a whole host of jokes which make Bishop one of the most consistent UK comedians on the circuit.

So, what are some of his top one-liners from previous tours, and when is he next on tour?

Best John Bishop jokes

On being an England fan:

“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”

On Scotland:

“Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.”

On his teenage son:

“To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night."

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd:

"It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star - ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’."

On over-complicating life:

"Going to the dump used to be great, you would go to the dump and get rid of stuff - now you have to pass an exam. I turned up at the dump and there’s a guy there in a yellow vest and a clipboard. He’s done an NVQ in clipboard management."

On being THAT friend:

"Everyone knows that when you’ve got friends, one of your friends is basically a d**khead. If you’re thinking, ‘None of my mates are a d**khead ... well..."

On getting older:

“There are some muscles I don’t think I need my personal trainer to find as I won’t be using them at my age anyway.”

On celebrity friends:

“I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).”

On Courtney Love:

“I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.”

On being a dad:

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

What did he say about his TV content?

Bishop said he feels he is “judged in a different way” when on TV, as opposed to performing in front of a live audience.

“‘When I am on tour I can say anything I want on stage and you can work within the parameters of the audience feedback because it’s immediate,” he told the Daily Star.

“When it’s on telly I get judged in a different way. If people want to get offended they will get offended before you’ve even finished your sentence.‘It gets judged by a different world,” he added.

When is John Bishop on tour in 2022?

Bishop begins the New Year with the debut of his ITV show and a UK and Europe tour.

His UK tour dates are:

9 & 10 February 2022 - Bournemouth -BIC

11 February 2022 - Cheltenham - Centaur

15, 16 & 17 February 2022 - Hull Bonus Arena

18 February 2022 - Aberdeen P&J Live Arena

19 February 2022 - Glasgow - OVO Hydro

24 February 2022 - Newcastle - Utilita Arena

25 & 26 February 2022 - Manchester - AO Arena

1 & 2 March 2022-  Nottingham - Motorpoint Arena

4 & 5 March 2022 - Liverpool - M&S Bank Arena

8 March 2022 - Derby arena

12 March 2022 - London - SSE Arena, Wembley

15 March 2022 - Swansea Arena

16 & 17 March 2022 - Brighton - The Brighton Centre

18 March 2022 - Leeds - First Direct Arena

21 & 22 March 2022 - Plymouth Pavilions

24 March 2022 - Belfast - SSE Arena

25 March 2022 - Dublin - 3 Arena

29 & 30 March 2022 - Cardiff - Motorpoint Arena

1 & 2 April 2022 - Birmingham - Utilita Arena

8 April 2022 - London - The O2

The John Bishop show begins on ITV on Saturday 8 January at 9.30pm. It runs for six consecutive weeks and all episodes will be available on the ITV Hub shortly after broadcast