How to date after bereavement: Dating expert' on restarting your love life
As the hit show ‘My Mum, Your Dad’ returns for a second season, widow and dating expert has given her insights into how to get back into the dating world after bereavement.
AFTER a storming first season for the ITV reality drama series ‘My Mum, Your Dad’ that saw it renewed for a second outing, the challenges of dating as an older person with children has become a national talking point.
And while this series hasn’t featured any contestants with as heartbreaking a backstory as Roger Hawes, the 58-year old from Derbyshire who shared the story of the tragic loss of his wife to cancer, Nicky Wake, founder of the widow’s-only dating service Chapter 2 one of the UK’s leading relationships experts, has been eagerly watching the show as it returned to our screens.
To help you find your feet again after a loss, Nicky has given her top three things to remember when you’re looking for love again - as well as her biggest pet peeve for potential suitors to avoid when they’re going out on a date with a widow.
STARTING ANEW
“When you’re re-entering the world of dating, especially if you’re older, it can feel totally alien to how it was when you first took the plunge. The days of going to your local bar and flirting in person are long gone, and ninety per cent of dating now happens digitally.
“This can really throw you off, but don’t despair. Dating online can seem like it's a world apart, but the same rules apply as in the real world. Make sure that you start safely; keep your first chats on the platform you're using and don’t rush to texting or Whatsapp.
“There has been a big spike in romance scammers targeting vulnerable daters - and you’re almost never more vulnerable than when you’re a widow. Once you’re happy and feel confident that they are the real deal, look to set up a chilled meeting at a coffee shop or other relaxed meeting place - and always meet in public, always travel independently and never share your intimate photos!”
ATTRACTING ATTENTION
“Your dating profile is your sales brochure! Make sure that it reflects the real you in your bio and your photos, and if you can, use multiple photos so that you can really shout about your interests. Try photos of your favourite trip destination, your hobbies or your family to really give your potential suitors a taste of your personality.
“Persistence and proactivity is also so important. If you like someone, reach out to them - it can seem weird at first but you're back in the dating world for a reason, so don’t let anything slow you down.
SENSITIVE STORIES
“One of the biggest things that any widow or widower has to do when they’re re-entering the dating world is decide how they want to approach their own loss. It can be incredibly difficult to talk about, so set your boundaries first.
“Be sensitive to yourself; your story is your own, but don’t be afraid of your history. It’s such a key part of your experience and your life that you can’t ignore it, but don’t let yourself talk about issues or topics that might upset you or that you don’t feel ready to address.
“Above all, decide what you want from your dating. Is it a long-term commitment, a short-term fling or even no-strings-attached fun? Once you know what you’re looking for, it all falls into place so much more easily.
THE BIG DON’T
“As a widow myself, the single biggest pet peeve I have about people that date widows or widowers is how insensitive some people can be to your loss.
“If you’re dating someone who has gone through a serious bereavement, you have to be careful with your comments. I’ve heard some horrible stories of widows who have had dates say that they’re lucky their partner died because ‘at least you don’t have to see him grow old and frail’, and even one widow I spoke to who had a suitor say ‘I know how you feel… my dog died last week’.
“It is absolutely the biggest no-no when you're dating a widow or widower - and if you break this rule, then you can be guaranteed that they won’t be coming back for a second date.
“For any prospective widow or widower that is looking to date, the best way to avoid all of this is to use a service designed for dating after loss. I set up Chapter Two because I couldn’t believe how bad the traditional apps were for widows and I wanted a service that totally met the needs of a widow in the modern world of dating.