Politeness might just be the death of me

A psychologist once told me I lack “common survival instincts.” Which felt harsh, but fair — because while I do know not to follow strangers into dark alleyways, I’ve historically struggled to say no to almost anyone, anywhere, ever.

And I’m not alone. A 2023 survey by YouGov found that 63% of UK adults often say yes to things they'd rather decline — whether it's taking on extra work or attending events — just to avoid seeming rude or difficult. For women, that number climbs even higher.

Turns out, my problem isn’t a lack of stranger danger. It’s the chronic, exhausting inability to set boundaries. A whispery gut instinct buried under a lifetime of being told to be ‘nice’, ‘helpful’., and never ‘difficult’.

When Being Nice Feels Unsafe

Let me walk you through Exhibit A in the museum of my bad judgment: I once had a friend who, within minutes of reconnecting, told me his ex was “toxic”. Not just a bit much or ‘hard to communicate with’ — full-blown Medusa, apparently. Being the empathic, open-minded, mildly gullible woman I am, I thought, Poor guy, must’ve been through the wringer.

Fast forward a few weeks: I found out he had multiple restraining orders against him. Multiple. Like, he was banned from seeing his kids for two years.

When I asked about it, he gave a long, Oscar-worthy monologue about how the legal system had been manipulated by his ex, who apparently tricked the entire police force using sheer willpower and witchcraft. “There’s no evidence,” he kept saying. Just vibes and conspiracy.

And yet — I still tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Somewhere deep inside, a small voice said, Hmm. This seems bad. But louder still was the voice that said, Be kind. Be understanding. Don’t judge someone without knowing their full story.

Then there’s Exhibit B: the gym guy. It started innocently enough — he slid into my DMs with a classic “How’s training going?” I replied with polite one-word answers and the occasional emoji — just enough to be civil but not enough to invite a wedding proposal. Sadly, he took it as a sign of deep emotional intimacy and kept messaging.

The chats got weirder. I stopped responding altogether.

But did I feel empowered? Triumphant? At peace?

No. I felt rude. As in, How dare you not indulge this man who can’t read a room? Because somewhere in my brain, ignoring creepy messages is apparently a worse offence than receiving them.

When Being Nice Just Feels... Exhausting

And it’s not just the big stuff. I remember in primary school, a girl I barely knew asked me to go to the school office and request money from admin so she could buy chocolate. I asked why she couldn’t do it herself and she said, “It’ll be better if you do it.” Reader, I went. I marched to the front desk like a tiny lawyer representing a client I didn’t believe in.

Why? Because saying no felt like a crime. Because I didn’t want to be “difficult.” Because women — especially nice, quiet girls like I was — are raised with the emotional equivalent of white gloves and a customer service smile. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t be impolite. Don’t ever be accused of ‘overreacting’ — even if your gut is yelling this man has serial killer energy.

These days, I still Google things like “How to say no politely,” “How to set a boundary without sounding mean,” and once even, “How to disappear from a social situation.” Being assertive isn’t second nature to me. It’s a script I have to rehearse like I’m auditioning for Destiny’s Child Independent Woman.

But here’s what I’m learning (slowly, and often with tears and tea): Boundaries are not rude. Not replying to creepy messages is not mean. Not helping random strangers with bizarre favours is not heartless. It’s called self-preservation. It’s called listening to your intuition — even if it whispers instead of shouts.

So maybe it’s not that I have no survival instincts. Maybe they were just buried under layers of social conditioning, gendered expectations, and years of trying to be the human equivalent of a helpful golden retriever.

Saying no shouldn’t feel like nuclear warfare. But for some of us, it does. We weren’t taught how to protect ourselves — we were taught how to please.

Next time someone gives me bad vibes, I’m going to trust that vibe. I won’t Google it. I won’t ask six friends if I’m overthinking. I’ll just say no, or bye, or block, and call it personal growth.

Or, at the very least, I’ll walk away — and not feel bad about it.

That’s the dream. That, and one day never having to explain to a man why “liking” a message isn’t code for “I want to bed you.”

If You’re Also a Chronic Yes-Sayer, Here’s What’s Helping Me:

• Practice "No" in Low-Stakes Moments. Say no to the extra carrier bag. Say no to the group lunch. Build the muscle.
• Pause Before You Answer. If someone asks for something, give yourself permission to say, “Let me think about that.”
• Let Texts Sit. You don’t owe anyone an instant response — especially when you’re feeling unsure or uneasy.
• Reframe the Narrative. You're not being difficult. You're being clear. And clarity is kind.
• Mantra of the Moment: Politeness is optional. Boundaries are not.

Liv Arnold is a critically acclaimed author and internationally renowned sex advice expert who has featured on the covers of Playboy, FHM, and Grazia, among many others. Her books have garnered widespread acclaim from the media and from a string of New York Times bestselling authors.

Story by Liv Arnold, edited by Anthony Harvison (Belters News)

Main image: Courtesy Liv Arnold

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