Girls, stop gaslighting each other

There’s a quiet epidemic sweeping through friendship circles, gym locker rooms and baby showers: well-meaning dishonesty disguised as support. We’ve dressed it up as kindness, wrapped it in pastel emojis and hashtags like #womenempoweringwomen, and sprinkled it over Instagram comments and group chats.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth: a lot of what we call “being nice” to each other is actually gaslighting.

It doesn’t come from malice. It often comes from wanting to belong, to soften life’s edges or just keep the peace. But the result is the same: women telling each other things that simply aren’t true — and encouraging each other to believe them.

The Compliment That Lied

Take a recent moment I witnessed at work. A woman in her early thirties turned to a colleague — fit, confident, in her forties — and said: “I honestly thought you were 20.” The older woman lit up. She was thrilled. She said it was “so good to know” she could still pass for that age. And she looked great — glowing, self-assured, clearly someone who takes care of herself. But 20?

That wasn’t a compliment. It was a fantasy.

Or the time a colleague of mine, morbidly obese but radiating confidence, told us, “All the guys want me.” The women chimed in instantly: “You’re so hot!” “You’re totally right!” Meanwhile, the men in the room stared silently at their shoelaces. I joined them — not out of spite, but because pretending isn’t empowerment. It’s just confusion in a sweet voice.

The lie wasn’t meant to hurt — but it still twisted the truth. And we do this all the time.

Silence Is Not Cruel

If I can’t say something honestly, I say nothing. If a baby comes out looking like a sleepy baked potato, I don’t call them “adorable”. I say nothing. If someone gets a haircut that could only be described as “experimental”, I say nothing. If your dress doesn’t suit your shape but you’re thrilled with it, I smile and change the subject.

That silence isn’t unkind. It’s respectful. And honestly, it does far less damage than showering each other with sugar-coated nonsense.

Performative Positivity

This isn’t really about lying to hurt. It’s about how many women are raised to make others feel good — even if that means fudging the truth. We say what we think the other person wants to hear. We exaggerate. We overdo it. We toss compliments around like party confetti because being neutral, let alone “mean”, feels taboo.

But the line between kindness and gaslighting is paper-thin. And when we cross it — even with the best intentions — we end up making each other question reality.

You know when you’re being flattered. Like the time someone told me I looked 18 — and look, my skincare routine’s good, but it’s not that good. Deep down, you can tell when a compliment isn’t real. And over time, that kind of performance wears down trust — not just in others, but in yourself. You start wondering if your friend really thinks you look great, or if it’s just another dose of socially required fluff dressed up as sincerity.

Honest Doesn’t Mean Harsh

This doesn’t mean we need to wander around offering unfiltered opinions and unsolicited body critiques. There’s a middle ground — a way to give genuine, grounded compliments instead of lurching for over-the-top praise every time someone enters the room.

Instead of “You look SO skinny!” — try “You have a kind heart.”

Instead of “You haven’t aged a day!” — “You have a youthful energy.”

Instead of “You could be a model!” — “You have beautiful eyes.”

These are compliments with roots. They affirm without distorting. They feel good because they’re real.

Let’s Redefine Female Support

We live in a world where men already gaslights women constantly, whether it be about their beauty, youthfulness, success or worth. With so much of it already about, we don’t need to add to the problem by doing it to each other.

We can be better than the airbrushed lie. We can be real. We can still lift each other up, but let’s do it with honesty that actually means something. There’s nothing wrong with kindness,. but it loses its power when it comes with a side of fiction.

Friendship, support and female empowerment don’t need to be sugar-coated to be sweet. Sometimes, the greatest compliment we can give another woman is simply the truth.

Liv Arnold is a critically acclaimed author and internationally renowned sex advice expert who has featured on the covers of Playboy, FHM, and Grazia, among many others. Her books have garnered widespread acclaim from the media and from a string of New York Times bestselling authors.

Main image: Courtesy Liv Arnold

Story by Liv Arnold, edited by Anthony Harvison (Belters News)