What is a manchild? How to spot one and what to do if you’re dating one, according to relationship experts

You’re likely to have heard of the term ‘manchild’, and you may even know one yourself. He could be your husband, your partner, your brother, your son, or your best friend. There are also many male stars who have been accused of being a manchild; examples include Twitter owner Elon Musk, footballer Cristiano Ronaldo and radio and TV presenter Chris Moyles. But, how can you tell? There are a few telltale signs, and NationalWorld has spoken to several experts to help you identify this type of man.

In the case of Musk, he was accused of being a “mediocre manchild” by a troll outside of Twitter’s San Francisco headquarters last year amid a mass walkout of staff. More recently, Ronaldo ripped off his armband and kicked over some water bottles before leaving the pitch during a game in March, leading fans to call him a manchild. Meanwhile, Moyles was labelled one while he was appearing on ITV reality show I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here! last year when he had an argument with his fellow campmates.

The not so good news is that a manchild can have negative effects on all of their relationships, including romantic connections, friendships and family links. The good news, however, is that it is possible for a manchild to change their behaviour to become more positive. But, what should you do if you know a manchild and how can you help them make this change? We have all the expert guidance you need below.

What is a manchild?

As the name suggests, the term manchild refers to a grown adult male who behaves in ways that people would usually associate with a child or adolescent. Katherine Baldwin, love, dating and relationships coach, told NationalWorld: “He might struggle to take responsibility for his life, to do the 'grown up' things we all need to do - for example take care of his finances and do his share of household chores - or have difficult conversations or manage his feelings in a healthy way”. This may all mean that they struggle to be emotionally mature, take responsibility for their actions and be independent. 

This type of behaviour may occur as a result of trauma, however, according to trauma-focused therapist, known as the trauma expert, Danny Greaves. He told NationalWorld that many of the clients he works with who would self-identify as a manchild have experienced multiple adverse or traumatic experiences at an early age which stunted their emotional development. He added: “They often lacked strong, supportive male role models when they were young and, due to the emotional challenges of dealing with trauma, they do not expand their capacity to deal with challenging or emotionally complex issues. As a result, they continue to use the same strategies that helped them survive when young.”

Baldwin, who is also the author of How to Fall in Love, said that it's also important to note that it's not only men who get stuck in the mindset of a child, despite the labelling of the term against men. She added: “Many of us, no matter our gender, will struggle to grow up and take responsibility for our lives”.

What impact can a manchild have on his family, friends and partner?

A manchild is often dependent on others to meet their needs and may have trouble taking care of themselves, and this can cause physical and emotional strains on all of their relationships, according to Katie McNamara, who is the host and creator of a dating podcast, Single Sounds. She told NationalWorld: “In romantic relationships the extra burden can be as simple as being the one to always have to pay the bills as complicated as having to make important life decisions alone”. Additionally, when a partner is not taking responsibility for their actions or mistakes this can lead to conflict and tension in a relationship. She added that this can cause feelings of frustration, resentment and disappointment and make their partner feel neglected or unimportant. 

In terms of familial relationships, Baldwin states that a manchild may be continuing to lean on his parents to do things for him and it is also possible that he may then transfer that responsibility to a partner. Mellor-Brook, who is also a dating expert at dating agency Select Personal Introductions, said this may lead the partner to feel like they have taken on the role of a mother, perpetually having to clean up after the man and look after them. In addition, at times they could be demanding and draining in their behaviour, yet they are unable to provide emotional support for their partner and family when needed. Mellor-Brook added that when a manchild is around friends or peers, they may regress to adolescent-like behaviour, which could include showcasing a juvenile sense of humour or even overuse of alcohol. 

Relationship psychotherapist Dipti Tait told NationalWorld that being in a romantic relationship with a manchild can be “incredibly challenging” and the behaviours they exhibit can ultimately cause the relationship to break down. Similarly, she said family members may feel let down or disappointed by their actions.

Is it possible to stop being a manchild?

McNamara said she believes it is possible for all people to change their behaviour if they are willing to, including manchildren. These are the three steps she recommends that a manchild takes to correct some of their negative behaviours.

• Take responsibility: Acknowledge that everyone is responsible for their own life and must take ownership of their decisions and actions. This means being accountable for mistakes, being receptive to feedback and taking steps to make things right.
• Practice self-care and self awareness: Take care of physical and mental health by eating well, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfilment. This could include seeking help through friends, family or a professional if needed.
• Learn to communicate effectively: Practise effective communication skills by listening actively, expressing yourself clearly, and being respectful of others' opinions and feelings.

Tait, Mellor-Brook and Greaves all believe it is possible for a manchild to “grow out” of their behaviour, but for this to happen an individual would first need to acknowledge their problems and be willing to make a change. They may then need to seek professional help, such as a therapist, to learn new skills and manage their emotions. Greaves said: “Often the biggest challenge for the manchild is to recognise childish traits within themselves and have the courage to admit to them and tackle them face on. Emotional maturity often develops with guidance of a professional to gradually improve emotional awareness and reasoning skills.” Tait added, however, that it is important to realise that unfortunately not all manchildren will be willing or able to change.

What should you do if you think someone you know is a manchild?

If you believe someone you know is a manchild there are things you can do to address this with them, however, the most important thing to remember, according to Baldwin, is that we cannot change other people. She said that if someone is in a relationship with a manchild they should not enable them to remain in the role. “The key to relating to a manchild is to set and maintain healthy boundaries around tasks and our expectations of emotional intimacy. This gives the manchild a choice; he can either step up or the relationship won't work.”

Mellor-Brook, however, says that you shouldn’t give a manchild an ultimatum, instead you should talk to him calmly about your concerns, be specific about about how his behaviour is affecting you, and let him know that you're willing to help him change if he's willing to put in the effort. “Don't become his mother”, he added, but be mindful that change takes time. Tait added: “If your partner is unwilling or unable to change, it may be time to reassess the relationship and consider whether it is meeting your needs and contributing to your happiness and well-being. Ultimately, it is important to prioritise your own needs and make choices that are in your best interest, even if it means letting go of a relationship that is no longer serving you.”