16 toxic phrases that show your relationship may be in trouble, and how to avoid them, according to experts

In romantic relationships, there can be ups and downs. There are happy times, but also times of conflict when arguments may occur. During these arguments, people can say all sorts of things out of frustration, upset or anger, but they do not always mean them. Some of these statements are unhelpful, but some are toxic and could indicate that there is a bigger issue within the relationship.

As relationship psychologist Mairéad Molloy points out, “in our closest relationships, it is easy to speak without thinking”. That seems like a good thing, she says, “because we’re so comfortable with each other we can share whatever is on our mind, but sometimes it can have a negative effect”. She added: “Off-the-cuff remarks can be misconstrued, and words said in frustration can hurt a lot. Communication is key in any couple but so many of us are so awkward in how we portray our words and phrases that we think we said X, but our partner hears Y.”

To help identify unhelpful and harmful phrases, NationalWorld has spoken to three relationship experts, including Molloy. They have each given their views on not only the warning phrases we should look out for from our partners, but also how to avoid using them ourselves and the healthier things we can say instead when feelings are fraught. Here’s what they had to say.

Extreme phrases such as 'you never' or 'you always'

Katherine Baldwin, a love, dating and relationships coach and author of How to Fall in Love, said: “Our communication and the phrases we choose will fall on a scale of unhelpful and unhealthy to harmful, toxic and abusive. At the unhelpful or unhealthy end of the spectrum are extreme expressions or absolutes such as 'always' or 'never'.” Examples include 'you always shut down when I want to talk about the future' or 'you never give me compliments'.

Baldwin said: “These black-and-white statements or extremes are usually exaggerated or over-generalised and their use tends to escalate a conflict”. She suggested that people avoid using extreme language when getting their point of view across. For example, she said you could say, 'I feel unheard'. She also advised that people use 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements, and aim to co-create a solution to the problem. “Refrain from judgement, criticism or blame,” she said.

'Just do this' and other directional statements

Baldwin said other unhelpful and damaging phrases are versions of 'just chill, will you?' or 'calm down' or 'will you just relax?'. She said: “These phrases dismiss and invalidate the other person's emotions. The key is to validate the other person's feelings first with phrases such as, 'I hear you're angry right now' or 'I understand that you're upset' so that the person feels heard and understood, and then try and find a solution, using phrases like ‘shall we talk about it together?' or 'tell me what's going on for you'.”

'Who else would want you?'

Baldwin said that at the more harmful end of the spectrum are phrases that undermine or belittle the other person or erode their self-esteem, and they could even be controlling or examples of gaslighting. Examples, she said, include 'who else would want you?' or 'you'd never find anyone else' or phrases that undermine someone's appearance or personality. Baldwin added: “In this case, the person would be wise to withdraw from the conversation or set a boundary, asking their partner not to speak to them in this way, and, if things don't change then leave the relationship.”

'You’re imagining it'

Baldwin said an example of a gaslighting expression is, 'you're imagining it' or 'it's all in your head' or 'you're seeing things'. She said: “We want to validate a person's feelings with phrases such as 'I hear you feel insecure' or 'I hear you have your doubts about me' and then invite the other person to share their feelings, fears and doubts, and offer reassurances.” Though she warns that a gaslighter may be unwilling to accept their behaviour and change.

'I don't care'

Dipti Tait, a relationship therapist, said this phrase can indicate a lack of investment or engagement in the relationship. She said: “Instead of dismissing the other person's concerns, try to actively listen and express empathy. Even if you don't agree with their perspective, it's important to show that you care about their feelings.”

'It's not my fault'

This phrase can be a way of deflecting responsibility and avoiding accountability, according to Tait. She said that each individual should try to take ownership of their own actions and work together to find a solution. She added: “By acknowledging your role in the situation, you can help to build trust and strengthen your relationship. It's important to focus on open communication, active listening, and empathy.”

'You're just like your (parent/family member)'

The use of this phrase can be hurtful and disrespectful, especially if the other person has a difficult relationship with their family, said Tait. She advises that people should try to focus on the specific behaviour or issue at hand and avoid making broad generalisations.

'Stop asking if everything is okay, everything is fine'

Molloy believes that pretending to be fine when you’re clearly not ends up making it even more difficult to resolve conflict and causes both partners to feel insecure. She advised that people should be honest about feeling upset and ask for some time to be able to address it.

 'You are being crazy'

 Molloy said that while a line like this can escape our mouths without thought, it can have the most adverse effect on a partner. She called it “manipulative language” and said it can build doubt in a partner’s head, leading them to question their own reality - a form of gaslighting. Instead of making a partner feel delirious, she said people should try pointing out how they believe their reaction is unwarranted.

 'You don’t deserve me'

It is never a good idea to draw comparisons or make your partner feel less than you are, said Molloy. Another version of this would be ‘you are lucky I put up with you’. Molloy added that by using these phrases you could end up damaging your partner’s self-esteem irrevocably.

'I hate you'

Tait said that this phrase is “incredibly hurtful” and it can be difficult to come back from. She said: “It's important to avoid using such extreme language, even in the heat of the moment. Instead, try to express what specific behaviour or action you're upset about and how it makes you feel.”

Molloy added: “These words may create a spiral effect on your partner where they’re forced to question whether you ever loved them or not, in the first place. Try to control your anger and steer clear of such phrases, instead ask for some time alone and establish boundaries.”

'You are pathetic'

 When we lose our temper the urge to call a partner names is uncontrollable, according to Molloy, but she warns that taunting them and calling them names can never lead to anything good. Instead she said people should be upfront about what they do and don’t like and share with each other how they feel without bringing each other down. 

'You are a bad parent'

Molloy said that “one of the worst things to do in a relationship is to attack your partner when they’re weak”. She said although you will know their insecurities, to bring them into a fight is a “low blow”. Instead, she suggested being polite while expressing that you don’t agree with their approach and giving an alternative.

'You are so needy'

 Phrases like these suggest that your partner is suffocating you or invading your personal space, making them feel small and like their presence in your life is bothersome, said Molloy. She said that people should avoid such sentences and explain nicely why you feel like you need some personal space.

'It’s not a big deal” or ‘you’ll get over it'

These kinds of responses may be well-intentioned, said Molloy, because you’re trying to help your partner keep things in perspective and hoping they’ll see that whatever they’re going through isn’t earth-shattering in the long term. But, she added, these statements can be invalidating to someone who is dealing with an emotionally fraught situation and telling them to “get over it” is only going to make them feel silly for mentioning it in the first place. If you want to support your partner during a difficult time, try reassuring them by saying something like ‘that sounds hard. I can see why you feel that way. We can get through this together.’

 'I am done' or 'I am over this'

A lot of people are guilty of saying this in a heated argument, said Molloy, however, what it does is that it makes your partner anxious and constantly worry about you leaving them. She added: “It shakes their foundation of trust and security and that is never good. These phrases are horrific, even if they are in the heat of the moment and you don’t mean them. Getting angry with each other is normal. But lashing out and saying extreme things in the heat of the moment is just unhealthy.”

What to do after an argument

Arguments happen, and experts acknowledge this. Molloy says that all the advice she has given above “sounds easy”, but “in practice it is not easy”. She also says that learning to adapt your behaviour in times of conflict “takes patience and time”. If an argument has occurred and you have said hurtful things, or had hurtful things said to you, then you need to come together with your partner to discuss it. Below are Molloy’s tips: