Baby Reindeer: what is adult grooming? Expert explains signs to watch out for

Comedian Richard Gadd based the drama on his experience of being groomed and abused. Following the show’s success, we spoke to counselling psychologist Wendy Gregory, who reveals everything you need to know about adult grooming:

What is adult grooming?

It is "deliberately manipulating and misleading another adult to gain something from them, such as sex or money", said Wendy.

How can grooming impact victims?

"It's abuse. It's devastating. You can feel shame when you realise you've been groomed. And many suicides come from shame."

What are the classic stages of grooming?

• Predators target a victim and try to gain their trust;
• They identify a need in their target and appear to fill it;
• They desensitise the victim to eradicate their defences and normalise inappropriate behaviour;
• They often isolate them (if they're not already isolated) and make them doubt their judgement to control the victim.

How do predators groom adults?

Wendy says it varies from abuser to abuser, but they often repeat an MO with each target and appear to fulfil an unmet need. "They will appeal to the victim's vulnerabilities, play the part, come across as genuine, and help them."

Manipulation, designed to control the target and make them dependent, can include praise and attention, love bombing, superficial charm and sympathy, gift-giving, and secret sharing.

It might also look like nagging, yelling, intimidation, threats, emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, sulking, crying, and playing the victim. The abuser might also covertly instil fear and doubt in their target to exert further control.

Who do predators tend to target?

"It's often kind and caring people or those who feel sad and lonely." But, Wendy added, "It can happen to anybody. Everybody wants to be loved: it is a basic human need."

Can you give an example of adult grooming?

"Something quite sinister seems to be taking over a particular site. A hunky guy looking for a travel companion is grooming women, and sadly, some say they'd love to join him. He's messaging every one of them. There's nothing on his Facebook: no statuses, no work history, just three posts in the past two weeks, which are photos of himself. Alarm bells ring that this is a fake profile.

"It's also common for [abusers] to pretend they're ill. If somebody quickly tells you they have cancer or recovered from it recently, I'd want some evidence. They will often do it to gain your sympathy."

Is it illegal to groom an adult in Britain?

It is not illegal, though vulnerable adults have some protection, and the law states that emotionally coerced sex is not consensual.

How can you tell if a loved one is being groomed?

Wendy says people should watch out for the following signs:

• They are isolating themselves;
• Communication has dropped;
• Their mental well-being is suffering, such as having a loss of appetite or seeming depressed or anxious;
• They engage in self-destructive behaviour like substance abuse.

What can you do if you suspect you or someone you know is being groomed?

"Question, question, question," said Wendy. "Don't take anything anyone says at face value, especially if they offer you something. Go online, and do background checks."

For support and further information, visit www.caage.org or wendyatthewendyhouse.co.uk.