Baby Reindeer: I was groomed as an adult and it devastated my life - the law has to change
Netflix TV show Baby Reindeer has sparked a national debate about grooming.
Someone groomed me as an adult - and it has devastated my life.
Netflix’s smash hit, Baby Reindeer, has left viewers across the country feeling disturbed. It tells of an aspiring comedian who is severely stalked and abused.
Some have questioned why creator Richard Gadd, who plays a version of himself in a story based on real-life incidents, would go back to his abuser time and time again.
To those people, I say it's because someone groomed him. I am so thankful to Gadd for having the courage to publicly say what I have wished I could: that adults can be grooming victims, too. And that it ruins lives.
For me, it was like drip-fed poison. You can't taste it at first: it's masked with sweeteners. When you slowly detect the toxic undertones, you no longer trust your judgement. Groomers may carry out their abuse in plain sight. They slowly destroy your defences so that you and those around you barely realise it is happening, making it harder for you to fight back.
They know who to target: those who are vulnerable. In my case, I have suffered from mental illness since childhood. I struggle with low self-esteem and am a chronic people-pleaser.
Groomers gain the victim's trust - and that of their loved ones. Grooming can feel positive at first. The predator may fill whatever need has gone unfilled. And the target may feel so desperate to have that need filled that they ignore uncomfortable feelings.
Netflix's latest hit Baby Reindeer is based on the true story of comedian Richard Gadd's experience of being relentlessly stalked. Created by and starring Gadd, it follows comedian and barman Donny Dunn, who after innocently offering a cup of tea to lonely customer Martha (Jessica Gunning) finds himself becoming the focus of her obsession.
She starts turning up to the bar everyday, harassing him online, bombarding him with messages, emails, letters and voicemails and even targeting his girlfriend. It explores the layered relationship that victims can experience with their abusers and the subsequent devastating consequences.
Sarah McCann
The abuser may also isolate the victim and normalise inappropriate behaviour to make them easier to control. They used guilt to manipulate me, stopping me from spending time alone, seeing friends, or focusing on work. Coercive control and emotional abuse kept me from breaking free. When I finally escaped, I was harassed, became fearful for my safety, and ended up feeling suicidal.
To this day, I still live in survival mode. The trauma haunts me daily, and I find it hard to trust people or form close relationships.
That is why I believe the Government should make it illegal to groom adults. It is exploitation and abuse. But it has taken me a long time to realise this because my abuser made me doubt my sense of reality.
So, why is it hard for victims, whether children or adults, to escape their groomers?
It may be that the abuse is so subtle and the predator so manipulative that victims do not even recognise it for what it is. I felt so much guilt for trying to escape a toxic situation until I watched a TV show where a teacher groomed a teenager, and I recognised the pattern. I then sought out a psychologist for therapy who validated my gut feeling.
After watching Baby Reindeer, MP Jess Phillips tweeted to say she is currently trying to encourage the Government to recognise adults as grooming victims.
But she claims it has rejected the proposed law amendment.
I stand behind Jess Phillips on this one. Because how are adults supposed to recognise themselves as grooming victims - and trust their gut - when the law says they do not even exist?