Friends the Reunion: 60 of the best quotes and jokes from Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross

Friends: The Reunion sees the stars of the sitcom reunited for a one-off special (HBO)Friends: The Reunion sees the stars of the sitcom reunited for a one-off special (HBO)
Friends: The Reunion sees the stars of the sitcom reunited for a one-off special (HBO)
Friends the Reunion is released in the UK on May 27

They’re back!

The six actors who played the best friends from Manhattan have gathered for a one-off special to regale tales about their times on set in what looks set to be an emotional reunion.

From 1994 to 2004 Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross captivated audiences the world over was they navigated their personal and professional lives, providing plenty of laughter on the way.

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To celebrate the release of Friends the Reunion we’ve compiled the funniest quotes, jokes and quips from the six best friends.


“I can handle this. Handle is my middle name. Actually, handle is the middle of my first name.”

“All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for.”

“Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!”

Ross: “No, homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”Chandler: “Well, maybe he was nervous.”

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“I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”

“Until I was 25 I thought the only response to ‘I love you’ was ‘Oh crap!'”

Chandler: “I got her machine.”Joey: “Her answering machine?”Chandler: “No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.”

“You know what’s weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?”

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“Ross, just for my own peace of mind, you’re not married to any more of us are you?”

Janice: “What a small world!”Chandler: “And yet I never run into Beyoncé!”

Cathy: “You have really great hair”Chandler: “Oh thanks I grow it myself!”

Joey: “You didn’t cry when Bambi’s mom died?”Chandler: “Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.”

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Ross: “I am gonna be happy this year. I’m gonna make myself happy.”Chandler: “Do you want us to leave the room?”

“I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”

“Gum would be perfection.” (Chandler, while trapped in the ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre)

Ross: “We were on a break!”Chandler: “Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I’m going to break up with you!”

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“You have to get off the plane. Something is wrong with the left phalange.”

“Your collective dating record reads like a who’s who of human crap.”

Phoebe: “Look I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer.”Monica: “Phoebe, your mom killed herself.”Phoebe: “She was a drug dealer.”

“If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”

“I can’t have a mimosa? I’m on vacation!”

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“Oh look, ugly naked guy is decorating his Christmas tree! Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls!”

“If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows please give me money so I can buy a computer.”

“Come on, Ross. You’re a paleontologist, dig little deeper.”

Joey: “Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.”Phoebe: “Really? Mine get me out of tickets.”

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Monica: “Do you have a plan?”Phoebe: “I don’t even have a ‘pla.'”

Phoebe: “They don’t know that we know they know we know.”

Phoebe: “If it’s a girl, Phoebe. And if it’s a boy, Pheebo.”


“Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that’s ours!”


“If you don’t help me cook I’m going to take a bunch of those hot dogs and make a new appetiser called pigs in Ross.”

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Monica: “The camera adds ten pounds!”Chandler: “So how many cameras are actually on you?”

Monica: “I think I’d be great in a war. I’d, like, get all the medals.”Chandler: “Before or after you’re executed by your own troops?”

“I can’t believe my Dad saw us having sex! He didn’t make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees!” (Monica to Chandler)

Rachel: “I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.”Monica: “No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.”

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Ross: “Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Pivot!” (while trying to lift his sofa up a flight of stairs)Chandler: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

“If you’re going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It’s just cooler.”

Ross: “I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.”Chandler: “Was that place the sun?”

Ross: “Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?”Mr. Zelner: “Yeah, they’re all he talks about, why?”Ross: “How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. [Pause] I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a palaeontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones – fossils!”

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“First divorce: wife’s hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn’t let you get married when you’re that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada’s fault.”

Rachel: “…How many centimetres am I dilated? Eight? Nine?”Doctor: “Three.”Ross: “Just three? I’m dilated three!”

Ross: “Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*!”Chandler: “Ross came fourth and cried!”

“Why is it inside out?!” (Ross reacting to Rachel’s new Sphynx cat)

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“A hundred million people went to see a movie about what I do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka. No, no, no, a bunch of out-of-control jackets take over an island!” (Ross to Rachel)


Ross: “Hey, Rachel, did you notice…”Rachel: “Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.”

“Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?” (Rachel to Monica)

Joey: “But it is odd how a women’s purse looks good on me, a man.”Rachel: “Exactly! Unisex!”Joey: “Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.”Rachel: “No! No, Joey! U-N-I-sex.”Joey: “Well, I ain’t gonna say no to that.”

"No uterus, no opinion."

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“Why can’t parents just stay parents, you know? Why do they have to become people?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?"

"Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming."


“Joey doesn’t share food!”

“What’s not to like? Custard – good. Jam – good. Meat – good!”

Monica: “You don’t think sharks are sexy do you?”Joey: “No. Wait a minute… what was the Little Mermaid?”

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“It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”

Joey: “It hurts my Joey’s apple!”Chandler: “For the last time, it’s not named after each individual man!”

“You can’t have S-E-X when your taking care of the B-A-B-I-E.”

Ross: “Hello? Did you not read the Lord of the Rings in high school?”Joey: “No, I had sex in high school.”

“How you doin’?”

“Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!”

Joey: “Occupation? Dinosaurs.”Ross: “Actually I’m a paleo…”Joey: “Dinosaurs is fine.”