Malcolm Tucker: 20 of the best quotes and insults from The Thick of It and In the Loop - where to watch online

Inspired by Alastair Campbell, Peter Capaldi’s Malcom Tucker has dished out some fine profanties over the years

(Photo: BBC)(Photo: BBC)
(Photo: BBC)

In recent years, we’ve seen the dealings in Westminster and behind the doors of 10 Downing Street more closely resemble The Thick of It with each passing political scandal.

One’s a calamatous farce where everything that can go wrong, does go wrong, as incompetent ministers try (and fail) to clear up the mess, only making matters worse in the process. The other is Armando Ianucci’s 2005 satirical politi-comedy.

One of the stars of the show is Malcom Tucker, the sweary Scottish spin-doctor who can’t quite believe he’s forced to work with the utter ineptituted of those around him.

And he lets viewers know it - dishing out creative expletives as he desperately tries to stop the whole UK Government from imploding in on itself.

Delivered in Peter Capaldi’s punchy Glaswegian accent, the artfully crafted insults and storms of strong language take on even more weight as those he’s talking down to wince. Of course, for us watching at home, that just makes it all the more hilarious.

Here are 20 of his best quotes and lines from both the series, and big screen, America-set spin-off, In The Loop. Scroll to the bottom for details of how you can watch every episode of The Thick of It in the UK.

WARNING: Fans of the show will know that it goes without saying that the following contains strong language...

  • “I’ve never seen anybody look so f***ing ugly with just one head.”
  • “Rob, Innes, Little Bo C**k-Jockey, and the Leaky F***ing M*nge Box.”
  • “I wouldn’t f***ing p*** on you, if you were f***ing allergic to p***, right?”
  • “You’re so back-bench, you’ve actually f***ing fallen off. You’re out by the f***ing bins where I put you.”
  • “You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing f***ing c**t, and I will tear your f***ing skin off, I will wear it to your mother’s birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian f***ing Rhapsody, right?”
  • “Your only problem was a f***ing s*** pun in a newspaper, and a face like Dot Cotton licking p*** off a nettle.”
  • “He’s useless. He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”
  • “The guy is an epic f***-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.”
  • “Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? It’s terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work.”
  • “You’re a f***ing omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you f*** up.”
  • “When I need your advice, I’ll give you the special signal: which would be me being sectioned under the f***ing Mental Health Act.”
  • “No offence, but you’re not leadership material, yeah? I mean, f***ing curtain material in that outfit but, you know.”
  • “You can’t have a Prime Minister called Dan. People called Dan work in f***ing fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz.”
  • “Sh**ehead Revisited.”
  • “Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette? Why don’t you just scuttle off back to f***ing Cranford and play around with your tea and your cakes and your f***ing horse c**ks. Let them eat c**k!”
  • “F***ing Ollie!? He’s a f***ing knitted scarf that t***. He’s a f***ing balaclava.”
  • “I’d love to stop and chat but I’d rather have type 2 diabetes.”
  • “Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge t***, you’re not on a punt now.”
  • “You’re about as funny as a blind toddler in a f***ing minefield.”
  • “You are a real boring f***. Sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing, so I’ll sort that: you are a boring ‘F-star-star C**T!’”

How can I watch The Thick of It in the UK?

In the UK, all four series of The Thick of It are available to stream through both Britbox, and the Britbox Amazon Prime channel.

You can also buy the four series to keep through Amazon Video, Google Play Movies, Apple iTunes.

The Microsoft Store offers a series 1 - 3 box set, while only the fourth and final series is available on the Sky Store.

In the Loop - Armando Iannucci’s 2009 big-screen spin-off which sees Tucker become involved in transatlantic politics between the UK and US - can be streamed on Netflix, as well as rented or bought from all the usual outlets.

If you still want more of Iannucci’s satirical excellence, all seven seasons of Veep - essentially a US version of The Thick of It starring Seinfeld’s Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Vice President - are available to stream through Now TV.

There’s no Malcolm Tucker in Veep, but fans of the original Thick of It will rejoice in more sharply written political farce.