Best friend red flags: 16 signs it may be time to break-up with your bestie from disrespect to lack of effort

Friendships are an integral part of all our lives. In fact, there’s a common phrase that friends are the family you choose for yourself. These are the people we turn to in times of great joy and also great sorrow; they celebrate our achievements with us and support us when times are tough.

But, like any kind of relationship, friendship bonds need nurturing and we must put in care so that they continue to thrive, and also survive, year after year. Similarly, we can also expect friendships to go through some ups and downs. For example, we may have times when we disagree with our friends or we may upset each other or let each other down. Humans are imperfect so it’s natural that these things will occur, but a friendship can usually recover from such blips and continue on as usual.

However, there may be times when the behaviour of a friend is so difficult or questionable that there may be times when it’s best for our own mental health and wellbeing that we end the friendship. As relationship therapist and behaviour expert Dipti Tait explains to NationalWorld: “Friendships provide support, companionship, and a sense of belonging. However, it is important to assess these connections and ensure they are adding value to our lives. Just as we recognise the need to question or end romantic relationships if they have become toxic or unfulfilling, it is essential to acknowledge when a friendship no longer serves us.”

But, just how do you know when it’s time to break-up with your best friend, and just why do we find it so hard to say that we no longer want to be friends with someone? NationalWorld has spoken to Tait and other experts to discover the answers to both of those questions. Here are 16 red flags to look out for which may mean it’s time to say farewell to a friend.

They expect to know everything

Best friends are supposed to be close but there is no rule that says you’re not allowed to keep things to yourself, sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits told NationalWorld. No matter how good friends you are with someone you’re under no obligation to share anything with them. She warns that if your friend believes you’re not entitled to space or privacy and they get upset if your life isn’t a complete open book to them, it’s possible they’ve become entitled or insecure and the friendship is no longer a safe space for you.

They want too much say in your love life

If your best friend feels they should have a say on who you’re dating or how you should be conducting your intimate relationships, it’s possible they’ve become too invested in your personal life as they feel they have the right to overstep the mark, says Kivits. Remember that a best friend is supposed to be your greatest cheerleader, not your manager.

They start competing with you

If your best friend demonstrates they’re competing with you, they may have begun comparing themselves to you and seeing your happiness and success as a threat, says Kivits. Your best friend is not meant to compete with you for attention in any way and it’s a sign they no longer see you as an equal when they try to outshine you when you’re together.

They ghost you

If your best friend is constantly ghosting you for no reason, and then comes back only offering a vague reason for their disappearance, author Catherine Gladwyn, who wrote The 20% Rule, told NationalWorld she believes it’s time to end the friendship, especially if they do it more than once.

They have a negative influence on you

If your best friend constantly engages in self-destructive or harmful behaviour and also encourages you to do the same then this could be detrimental to your wellbeing or personal growth, Psychologist Doctor Louise Goddard-Crawley told NationalWorld. So, if you recognise this behaviour in your friend then it may be time to reevaluate your bond.

Your values are no longer the same

This can be a sign that you aren’t as aligned as friends as you should be, business and transformation coach Kirsty Carden told NationalWorld. For example, if one of your highest values is honesty but your friend tends to constantly tell lies or you have a huge value of personal growth but your friend is very set in their ways, then your relationship may not work. She adds: “We don’t all need to have the exact same values as our best friend but our closest relationships are often formed because we share the same values as one another and when values are very different it’s likely to be a course of conflict and discomfort”.

They have become self centred

If your best friend is always focused on themselves and has no interest in your life and their  conversation is always self-centred, then it may be time to end the friendship as you’re not getting anything from it, says money saving expert Polly Arrowsmith.

You no longer feel like you can be yourself around them

Authenticity is the foundation of a healthy friendship, says Tait. If your best friend consistently masks their true selves or pretends to be someone they are not, it can erode trust and make it difficult to maintain a genuine connection. The same can be said if you feel like you can no longer be your true self. Cognitive behavioural therapist Clare Flaxen told NationalWorld: “We all need friendships where we can show up as ourselves and be accepted. If you feel like you need to edit or filter who you are, to fit your friend’s expectations or preferences, it’s time to re-think the friendship”.

They don’t support you

Genuine support is an essential aspect of friendship, relationship psychologist Mairéad Molloy told NationalWorld. If your friends consistently fail to support you during crucial times, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Tait adds: “If your best friend constantly dismisses or undermines your achievements or shows a lack of interest in your pursuits, it may be an indication that they are not invested in your happiness or personal growth”.

They don’t make the same effort as you

Friendships should be a two-way street, states both Goddard-Crawley and Tait. If you find yourself constantly initiating contact, making plans, or putting in the effort, while your best friend seems disinterested or unavailable, it may be a sign of an imbalanced relationship. Molloy adds that if you feel you are constantly giving in any relationship while receiving little in return it can lead to resentment.

They disrespect you and overstep your boundaries

Friends should treat each other with respect and kindness. If there is consistent disrespect or mistreatment it is time to part ways as that is really damaging, says Molloy. Katherine Baldwin, a relationships coach, told NationalWorld that if our friend isn't able to hear us or doesn't respect our wishes, and does so repeatedly, it may be time to move on.

You’re on different paths in life

Sometimes, people simply grow apart due to pursuing different life paths, such as career, relationships, or personal interests, advises Molloy. This doesn’t automatically mean you can no longer stay friends, but it depends on the circumstances and how each person deals with this.

There’s constant conflict

Frequent and unresolved conflicts can lead to emotional exhaustion and strain on both parties involved. It’s best to attempt to resolve conflicts, but if efforts to do so are consistently unsuccessful, it may be time to consider moving on, suggests Goddard-Crawley. Tait says: “Maintaining a healthy friendship requires open communication and conflict resolution, rather than constantly being embroiled in unnecessary drama”. Molloy adds that repeated arguments is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. 

You feel worried about voicing your opinions

If there’s little or no room in your friendship for your preferences and opinions, and you feel worried about even voicing them through fear of rejection, it’s time to look at whether your friendship is healthy, says Flaxen. She adds: “Friendships are about mutual respect and creating space for each person, not ‘it’s my way or the highway’.”

You are growing apart

People change over time, and sometimes friends may grow in different directions. If you find that you have less in common with your best friend and your values, interests, or priorities no longer align, it may be time to accept the end of a friendship, advises Goddard-Crawley. Tait adds that it’s natural that some friendships drift apart and adds that if the connection feels strained or forced it may be a sign that you have outgrown each other.

They leave you feeling drained or anxious 

If spending time with your best friend consistently leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or unhappy, it may be a sign the friendship is no longer beneficial to your wellbeing, says Goddard-Crawley. Tait adds that friends should uplift and energise you, as well as provide emotional support, but if your best friend constantly looks to you for emotional support without reciprocating it can become mentally and physically exhausting.