St Patrick’s Day jokes: 40 of the best short Irish jokes, funny one-liners and quotes for kids and adults

St Patrick’s Day celebrations are taking place across Ireland on Sunday, with massive crowds expected on the streets of Dublin and other cities, towns and villages across the island.

The parade in the Irish capital is expected to be the largest yet, attracting nearly half a million spectators. However, the festivities will look a little different this year, with a “voluntary” ban on alcohol sales in Dublin city centre off-licences until 4pm in a bid to reduce street drinking.

In the UK, Ireland’s national day is almost just as fervently celebrated, and while we lack many of the “official” events and parades that make up festivities on the other side of the Irish Sea, many people in the UK host their own “events”. Sure, most of these simply involve swapping the usual drinks for pints of Guinness down at the pub, but the spirit of goodwill remains.

Here are 40 quotes and jokes to help you celebrate St. Patrick’s Day 2024 with a smile:

A few funny quotes

• “If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough!” – Irish Saying
• “May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!” – Irish Toast
• “Every St Patrick’s Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.” – Shane Leslie
• “As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.” – Irish Blessing
• “There are only two classes of people—the Irish and those who wish they were Irish.” - Therese Duffy

The best St. Patrick’s Day jokes

• How can you spot a jealous shamrock? It will be green with envy.
• Why should you never iron a four-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck!
• What are the best shoes to wear on St Patrick’s Day? Lepre-converse.
• What does a leprechaun have for breakfast on St Paddy’s Day? Green eggs and ham!
• How does a leprechaun work out? By pushin’ his luck!
• What’s small, lucky, and green all over? A leprechaun who recycles.
• Why did the leprechaun cross the road on red? To get to the pot of gold faster!
• Who catches the lepre-cons? Under-clover cops!
• Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? Because he couldn’t afford a plane ticket.
• Why should you never lend money to a leprechaun? They always come up short.
• Where do leprechauns live? In lepre-condos.

• Why are leprechauns so good at gardening? They have green thumbs!
• What’s the difference between wisdom and luck? One is clever. The other is clover.
• How did the leprechaun win the race? He took a shortcut.
• What do you call a person who robs you on St Paddy’s Day? A lepre-con!
• What do you call a fake Irish stone? A sham-rock!
• When does a leprechaun cross the road? When it’s green!
• What do you call a leprechaun who collects used cans, newspapers, and plastic bottles? A wee-cycler.
• When is an Irish potato no longer Irish? When it’s a French fry!
• Do leprechauns make good secretaries? Sure, they’re great at shorthand!
• Jameson on St Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
• What do you call a bad Irish dance? A jig mistake.
• Why do frogs love St Paddy’s Day? Everyone’s wearing green!

• What did one leprechaun ghost say to the other? Top o’ the moaning to ya!
• Why are the Irish so concerned with Global Warming? They’re into green living.
• What kind of music should you listen to on St Patrick’s Day? Sham-rock and roll.
• What kind of spells do Irish wizards cast? Lucky charms.
• How do you know an Irishman is having a great time? He’s Dublin over!
• Why do we wear shamrocks on St Patrick’s Day? Because real rocks are too heavy.
• What do you call a great photo on St Patrick’s Day? Pitcher-perfect.
• What did St Patrick say to the snakes? He told them to hiss off!
• Why do leprechauns hate running? They’d rather jig than jog.
• What’s Irish and sits outside all day? Paddy O’Furniture!
• Why couldn’t the leprechaun pay his bar tab on St. Paddy’s Day? He was a little short!
• What do you get if you cross Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? St O’Clause!