Pay homage during the Coronation of King Charles III or join me in scoffing at the absurdity

Fast forward through the decades of dismay and here we are in 2023 and it seems beliefs have changed. We are being asked to shout “May the King live for ever” during King Charles III’s Coronation on Saturday. Yes, let’s put science to one side again (seems to be a running theme in the UK) and pretend that the 74-year-old will get older but that he will continue to walk the halls of Buckingham Palace when we’re all burnt or buried. It’s a bit of a spoiler and I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade, but history does show that all of these monarchs have kicked the bucket around the same time as us mere mortals.

Here’s a helpful explainer on the weird nonsense to come during the eleborate and expensive ceremony as grown adults in fancy dress pretend that ‘God’ has chosen the new monarch. If that is the case, this God may have some serious decision making issues looking at his family’s history that covers everything from slavery to sweat issues.

Let’s get back to the ‘Homage of the People’ part of the ceremony where people all over the world will be asked to “cry out and swear allegiance to the King”. The Palace says the service is being modernised with such a move. Well, yes, the last one took place 70 years ago on black and white TVs before man had set foot on the moon or Middlesbrough FC had won a trophy, so we’d have hoped for a few changes. Feels a bit light touch, though. Maybe a Tik Tok dance of the guards or a Comedy Central Roast of King Charles would have been a bit more entertaining.

For this groundbreaking move, the King, Archbishop of Canterbury and government all got their heads together and decided to stop a series of hereditary peers awkwardly kneeling in front of one man (would have looked too similar to Game of Thrones so HBO may have been on the phone) and replace it with ‘a chorus of millions of voices’ being ‘enabled for the first time in history to participate in this solemn and joyful moment’.

Okay. Let’s break that down. We (the people) are being allowed (how gracious) to chant about Charles being our new leader? Totally normal and not something we’ve ever scoffed at other countries for. Anyway, let’s move on. The Archbishop will call upon “all persons of goodwill in The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of the other Realms and the Territories to make their homage, in heart and voice, to their undoubted King, defender of all”.

Yes, our “undoubted” (I have a few, I’ll be honest) King will defend us all - but from what? Inflation? World War 3? Another series of Mrs Brown’s Boys? Good luck with that gig, Charles, you’ve got your hands full there. Next time those mortgage interest rates go up, I’ll be straight onto the phone of the Palace to see if they have a room going spare.

This is all followed by some swearing of “true allegiance” to the King, heirs and successors (maybe not those who have moved to North America) according to the law. I don’t think a PC will be knocking on your door if you ignore this bit but it’s always good to squeeze in a bit of litigation into such joyous moments.

We then have a bit of fanfare before we’re all asked to say “God save King Charles. Long Live King Charles. May the King live for ever”. At this point I’ll be wondering what happened to equality, self-determination and meritocracy as millions of people buy into the Royal myth once again. In the words of Oasis, maybe you’re the same as me, we’ll see things they’ll never see.

Oh, but if Liam and Noel do live forever, do try and get me tickets for that reunion gig. My grandkids might enjoy it.