WWE Clash at the Castle: imagining every Premier League football manager’s gimmick and finishing move

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Get these fellas down to the WWE Performance Centre, pronto

This weekend sees WWE host its biggest UK-based pay-per-view in 30 years, with the eyes of the sports entertainment world fixed firmly on Cardiff’s Principality Stadium for the ‘Clash at the Castle.

Some 63,000 people are expected to be in attendance on Saturday night, with countless more watching along live from all around the globe.

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With such jaw-dropping interest, it got us to thinking - what would all 20 Premier League manager’s gimmicks be if they themselves were WWE superstars?

And even if you’ve never wondered about it before, now you’re thinking it too.

So without further ado...

AFC Bournemouth - Scott Parker - Scott “The Knitman” Park

Unfortunately for The Knitman, his last bout had a “Loser Leaves the Promotion” stipulation attached.

Needless to say, he tapped out in record time to a patented Jurgen Klopp Bear Hug.

Finisher: The Cardigan Clutch

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Arsenal - Mikel Arteta - El Marcador Mágico

A rising talent at the forefront of a stratospheric push, the one-time mid-card attraction is even being talked about in relation to the biggest belt of them all.

Still, his tendency to cut bizarre promos about cartoon brains and anthropomorphic love hearts has left some in the locker room questioning his sanity.

Finisher: La Charla Del Equipo De Todo O Nada

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Aston Villa - Steven Gerrard - G-Force

Once a solid fixture of the main event scene, and yet the biggest title of them all has always evaded him.

Initially G-Force was meant to be a gimmick that inspired thoughts of aerodynamicism and high-octane action.

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Now, after a recent dip in velocity, it conjures up associations of that bizarre live-action Disney film about the special agent guinea pigs.

Finisher: The Slipper Hold

Brentford - Thomas Frank - Frankind

Bit of a weird guy, but endearing nonetheless. Rumours that he lives in the mechanical bowels of the Brentford Community Stadium are thus far unconfirmed.

Finisher: The Mads-Roerslev Claw

Brighton - Graham Potter - Graham “The Rotter” Potter

One of the nicest men in the Premier League performing a shock heel turn and dive-bombing his opponents from the top rope like a seagull stealing chips at a seaside resort? That’s sports entertainment, baby!

Finisher: The Five-Star Seagull Splash

Chelsea - Thomas Tuchel - Herr Fingerbrecher

A scheming antagonist with the mind of a MENSA applicant and the bone structure of a mid-range catalogue model, the German’s proclivity for complaining and overly-aggressive hand-shaking are a lethal combination that give him the potential to be one of the top heels in the Premier League, if he so desires.

Finisher: The Handshake of Doom

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Crystal Palace - Patrick Vieira - Baddy V

A classic big man, the legend’s 38-match streak in Premier League XII will likely never be beaten.

His lengthy feud with Roy “No Gimmick Needed” Keane is still regarded as an all-timer too.

Finisher: The Crystal Malice

Everton - Frank Lampard - Frankie Lamps

A lower mid-card act who can switch between the jovial and the serious in a heartbeat, Frankie Lamps hasn’t really lamped anyone of late.

Once formed an uneasy tag team with Steven “G-Force” Gerrard. The question was, “Could they co-exist?”. The answer was, “No”

Finisher: The No, But Seriously

Fulham - Marco Silva - Marco Silva

Marco Silva is just Marco Silva.

Finisher: The Marco Silva.

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Leeds United - Jesse Marsch - Uncle Slam

Hulk Hogan, Dusty Rhodes, Lex Luger (kind of); nothing gets over like a heavy dose of good ol’ fashioned, apple-pie -eating, monster-truck-riding American patriotism, brother.

Well, now you can add Jesse Marsch to that illustrious list too, because here he comes, all dressed up in his fake white beard and star-spangled top hat, and you better believe he wants YOU for a serious ass-whooping.

Finisher: The Major League Suckerpunch

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Leicester City - Brendan Rodgers - The Brodge

In possession of a rare and intangible charisma, once upon a time in the all-too-recent past, just one droll comment from The Brodge and a spike of the People’s Eyebrow, and the masses would have been sent into delirium.

Times have grown tough, however, and a stale locker room, coupled with a lack of investment in his stock from higher-ups, has left Brendan sliding down the card at an alarming rate.

Finisher: The Approaching Rock Bottom

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Liverpool - Jurgen Klopp - Klub Shopp aka The Doctor of Hugonomics

A one-man walking merch advert, kitted out in every single item the club shop has to offer.

Like most perpetual babyfaces, his shtick has started to wear thin with a considerable faction of his audience.

Put Pep through the Spanish announce table and let’s get this heel turn on the road already.

Finisher: The Fist Pump From Hell

Manchester City - Pep Guardiola - The Ultimate Worrier

A goliath, a leviathan, a colossus, a behemoth, a man with more titles to his name than the 18th Duchess of Alba. (Honestly, Google her)

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And yet, you better believe that if there’s a way of over-thinking himself out of a surefire Intercontinental Title squash, Pep will find it.

Just relax, mate, seriously.

Finisher: Erling Haaland

Manchester United - Erik ten Hag - Erik Ten Count

You can try and try and try to keep Erik down for a full ten count, but you’ve probably got more chance of giving him a ponytail than a knockout blow.

The man weathers storms better than a New England lighthouse - an impervious, unshakeable measure of Dutch courage made flesh.

And don’t even get us started on his buddy Stone Cold Steve McClaren...

Finisher: The Monday Night F-Bomb

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Newcastle United - Eddie Howe - Gary Barl-Ow

Inspired by Elvis impersonator/WWF superstar Honky Tonk Man, Howe draws on his natural god-given gift as a semi-passable Gary Barlow doppelganger for his gimmick.

Finisher: The Backbreaker For Good

Nottingham Forest - Steve Cooper - “Two Hundred Million Dollar Man” Steve Cooper

If Steve spies a problem, he simply gets the chequebook out and makes it go away.

Flanked by an army of hired guns, the “Two Hundred Million Dollar Man” has no time for petty quibbles like “team chemistry” or “Financial Fair Play”, his is a journey right to the top, and it doesn’t matter who he has to step on or pay off to get there.

Finisher: The Super Duper Cooper Suplex

Southampton - Ralph Hasenhuttl - Ralph Fashion-Brutal

Nobody gets more heat in professional wrestling than the hyper-vain and sartorially-obsessed, and Ralph’s recent foray into the world of fashion could provide him with the perfect mid-card heel gimmick he needs to get the punters frothing at the mouth.

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Doesn’t hurt that some of his fits are nothing short of shocking either.

Finisher: The Huttl Hassle

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Tottenham Hotspur - Antonio Conte - Tony Del Conte

An old school, character-driven gimmick straight out of the mid-‘90s.

By day, Tony DC is a legitimate businessman specialising in the production and distribution of tinned fruit. By night, he is a no-holds-barred mob boss who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty if the wrong schmuck crosses his path.

Currently embroiled in a bitter blood feud with Thomas “Herr Fingerbrecher” Tuchel.

Finisher: The Plum-stone Piledriver

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West Ham - David Moyes - Davey “The Heartbreak Kid” Moyes

“I think I’m cute, I know I’m sexy, I got the looks, That drives the girls wild.

“I got the moves, That really move them, I send chills, up and down their spine.

“I’m just a sexy Moyes, (Sexy Mooooyes)”

Finisher: The Deep-Fried Arm Bar

Wolves - Bruno Lage - O Lobo Falho

Accompanied to the ring by special counsel Gorgeous Jorge Mendes, the lupine luchadore talks a good game, but hasn’t picked up anything remotely close to a 1,2,3 in far, far too long.

Finisher: The Lage Than Life

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