Peter Kay: 17 of the comedian’s best jokes, one-liners and observations to get you excited for his UK tour

Peter Kay will be returning to arena stages for the first time in 12 years. The comedian is embarking on a UK tour starting in Manchester in December.

Fans will eagerly try to get their hands on tickets when the general sale begins at 10am on Saturday (12 November). Kay’s Better Late Than Never tour is his first since his record breaking series of shows in 2010. He had been due to tour the UK in 2017 but cancelled the shows.

His tour will run from next month until November 2023 and will consist of shows at some of the UK’s biggest arenas as well as a residency at the O2 in London - with one show taking place each month. Kay will play shows in Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, Birmingham and more. Ahead of Kay’s first UK tour in 12 years, we’ve pulled together his best jokes to get you excited for the upcoming concerts.

Peter Kay’s best jokes, one-liners and observations

Here is a sample of the stand-up comedian’s most hilarious jokes and one-liners.

Hobnobs

An iconic bit from his stand-up shows in the 2000s. You might already associate hobnobs with Peter Kay any time you come across them in your cupboard or in the supermarket. The joke is as follows: “Do you ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? You panic, it’s like slow-motion: ‘Mum, get a spoon quick, my biscuit’s fallen in my brew!’ Hobnobs are like the marines. You dip a Hobnob and they go, ‘Again, again!’”

Garlic Bread

One of Kay’s most iconic catchphrases is GARLIC BREAD?! Hands up if you’ve found yourself blurting it out one time or a dozen.

Nan vs technology

During one of his stand-up tours, Kay featured a joke inspired by his nan’s struggles to use modern technology. The joke was as follows: “She was stood in the kitchen silently, and when I went in she said, ‘Sshh.’ I said, ‘Why?’ and she said, ‘Because we’re recording The Wizard of Oz and we don’t want to say anything as it will come out on the tape.’”

Expensive trip to a petrol station

One of Kay’s best jokes has managed to age incredibly well. In fact it almost feels as if he could have written it this year. The joke is as follows: “A woman says to her husband: ‘You never take me anywhere expensive anymore’. He says ‘get your coat on’. She says ‘where we going?’ He says: ‘The f***ing petrol station’.”

Animal testing

“I think animal testing is a terrible idea – they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

Biggish who?

Peter Kay’s take on a classic knock knock jokes is one of his best. The joke is as follows: “Knock Knock. Who’s there? Biggish. Biggish who? No, not today thanks.”

Hardened criminals

Who doesn’t love a good pun from time to time? Kay has used them plenty of times, but the following joke has to be among his best: “A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”

Je-hoover’s witness

“So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought, “‘That’s all I need – a Je-hoover’s witness.'”

Pulling a fast one

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’”

Ssh!

“A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, ‘Shh!'”

Step-ladder

It’s safe to say that Kay really does love a pun in his jokes. Here is yet another example: “I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.”

Mother-in-law

You’ve likely heard your share of mother-in-law jokes. But Kay’s offering to the genre is a stone cold classic. The joke goes like this: "I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"

On why we milk cows

You’ve probably wondered, at least once in your life, how our ancestors looked at cows and decided ‘yes let’s milk them’. But you probably can’t put that question better than the way Kay did. He joked: “Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?"

On eating a banana

Loaded with potassium, fibre and said to help boost your digestion, bananas are certainly a healthy option for a snack, but eating them can be... a little awkward. As Kay put it: “You never know where to look when eating a banana.”

How praying works

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.”

Wet paint

Be honest, you’ve been tempted to touch a fence or door when there’s a wet paint sign haven’t you? It’s a bizarre urge that Kay captured so well in one of his best jokes: “Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?”

“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”