Michael McIntyre’s best jokes: what are the comedians best jokes and one-liners as The Big Show returns to BBC

Michael McIntyre is back on our screens as his beloved ‘The Big Show’ makes a grand return to BBC One.

The third episode of the series is set to air this evening (28 January), with viewers eagerly awaiting new one-liners, another hilarious rendition of Send To All, a fresh pair of celebrities being rudely awakened for a Midnight Gameshow, and much more.

To celebrate, we’ve compiled some of McIntyre’s best jokes from over the years - so you can relive a few of his funniest moments. Oh, and don’t forget to tune in to BBC One at 8pm to watch the comedian take to the stage once again.

What are Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and one-liners?

Books

“A good book is called a page turner. Surely that is the minimum you expect from any book?”

Google Earth

“Google Earth is amazing. They’ve photographed every road in the world and put them on the computer. You just type it in and you go there. You sit in front of the computer and you think, ‘I can go anywhere in the world. Where shall I go?’ And we all come to the same conclusion: ‘My house.’”

Scissors

“I bought a new pair of scissors. But they were in this extremely tight, plastic cover thing. And I realised, the only way to get my new scissors out of the packaging was to get scissors and cut the scissors out with scissors. The thing I needed was staring at me.”

Cyber Security

“You suggest a password, and it goes: ‘Weak!’ F*** off! Those are my children’s names!”

Weather Forecasts

“They tell you about the wind as well on the weather. Who cares about the wind? ‘Going to be a stiff north easterly breeze.’ I’m not sailing to work. I don’t give a s***.”

The Elderly

“Old people insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. ‘020767944!’ ‘ I know that, I’ve just dialled it! It’s the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers.’ Do you open the front door and say your address? It’s the same principle.”

Pens

“Why is it that when people say ‘have you got a pen?’ You know you don’t have a pen but you still frisk yourself? You really want to help them as well. You start talking about pens you had. ‘I had a pen! I can see the pen in my mind. If you have come to me earlier you’d be writing right now, I’m so sorry!’”

Baby Names

“Aaron is the worst name. It’s the first name in The Baby Name Book. How lazy can your parents be?”

Getting Drunk

“Posh people have a variety of words for getting drunk. You can be wellied, or trousered, or arse-holed. ‘I was rat-arsed!’ You can actually use any word in the English language and substitute it to mean ‘drunk’ as a posh person. ‘Did you have a drink last night?’ ‘Are you joking, I was utterly gazeboed.’ ‘Are you drinking tonight?’ ‘I’m going to get car-parked!’ ‘You should have seen me last night - f***ing pyjama’d!’”

First Words

“My son’s got two words: car and map, that’s all he can say. ‘Car, car, map, car!’ I’m fairly worried he’s trying to escape. So if the next word is passport, we’re in serious trouble.”

Royals

“I love doing bed time stories, but it must be tough for the royals. ‘And then the prince and the princess banqueted with all the kings of all the kingdoms, and they kissed on the lawn of the magnificent palace… the end. Anyway, enough about my day, what book are we going to read?’”

Hotels

“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this. There was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”

Michael McIntyre’s Big Show is back on BBC One at 8pm, Saturday 28 January.